Unless you're immune to rejection, we've all fallen victim to unrequited love. You know, that soul-crushing, heart-throbbing yearning for someone else who just doesn't return the feeling. However, the truth is "the chase" is seriously appealing to many and can be difficult to quit.

Unrequited love can come in many different forms — from an unrealistic crush to an old flame who has since fallen out of love with you. It usually can feel very lonely and knock your self-esteem and confidence, causing you to close yourself off to available options. Some may even be more susceptible to unrequited love depending on their dating and attachment style. To learn more, we spoke with dating experts Susan Trombetti and Logan Ury to learn what unrequited love is and the best way to kick it to the curb.

What Is Unrequited Love?

Simply put, it's unreturned feelings. Obviously, there are more layers when it comes to dating and love. 

"Unrequited love is a love or love interest in someone that can't be acted upon either because one person doesn't return the feelings or both parties are with someone else and can't act upon it," said Trombetti.

Majorly crushing on someone who doesn't feel the same, having feelings for someone in a committed relationship or in an inappropriate position of authority (like your boss), or continuing to love an ex after they've moved on are all examples listed by Trombetti.

Trombetti added that there are a few telltale signs of unrequited love: The person takes you for granted because they know how you feel, you often catch yourself daydreaming about this person and what a relationship with them would be like, you feel heartbroken or in anguish, and you're unable to move on to someone new who can give you what you need.

The Causes of Unrequited Love

While there can be many underlying reasons why you love someone who isn't available, Ury noted there is one primary reason why you may be drawn to someone who doesn't want you back.

"One of the most common reasons why people obsess over someone who's not interested in them is because they're anxiously-attached, and there is a good chance they're attracted to someone with an avoidant-attachment style," she told us, "It's actually called the 'anxious-avoidant loop.'"

What does it mean to be an anxiously-attached dater? Ury said this type of person has a fear of abandonment and must be in constant communication with their partner. On the other hand, an avoidant-attached dater is "afraid of being smothered."

"They try to minimize the pain of rejection by pretending they don't actually want to connect," Ury explained. "They don't believe they can rely on others to meet their emotional needs, so they avoid getting too close to anyone."

So the vicious cycle commences: Those with anxious-attachment style love the thrill of the chase, prompting them to go after those with avoidant-attachment style. Ironic, right? 

"Anxiously-attached daters are prone to pursuing mixed signals and unrequited love," said Ury, who penned the 2021 relationship guide How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love.

How to Move on from Unrequited Love

"It doesn't feel good to long for someone knowing that you will never have what you want," Trombetti said. "You aren't able to find someone who loves you and meets your needs, so you become lonely and stuck in an emotional place."

Both Trombetti and Ury believe that a continuous pattern of unrequited love could point to a bigger problem. Trombetti suggested asking yourself why you put yourself in situations with others that don't return your feelings and sabotage your happiness. Once you figure out the "why," you can start to change your habits and rewrite that pattern, noted Ury.

The first step in finding a balanced relationship is letting go of the unreciprocated love. It's much easier said than done, so Trombetti and Ury offered a few strategies:

Go Cold Turkey

Mute or block this person on social media and cut off all contact with them. The more you see them or their posts, the more top of mind they are. So remove them from your feed (both literally and figuratively).

Self Reflect

Ury advised doing some soul-searching to figure out what it is about this person that you cannot let go of. Do they actually have qualities you're attracted to, or are you simply caught up in them because they don't like you back? If there are characteristics you value in this person, Trombetti said these can be your "road map" to find someone who possesses similar attributes — but also loves you back.

Choose Your Dates Wisely

Now, it's time to end the cycle of unrequited love. That starts by training yourself to seek out a "secure dater."

"Find someone who doesn't have to be convinced to date you," Ury recommended. "Choose someone who chooses you back."

Consider Therapy or Coaching

If you still find yourself hung up on someone or you're repeating the pattern in every attachment you form, Trombetti suggested seeking help from a therapist or dating coach who is trained to help you overcome these obstacles.

The Bottom Line

Everyone deserves to be loved. If you find yourself often attracted to others who don't feel the same way, there's a good chance you're stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage. The good news is you can change your dating habits and seek healthier relationships. Once you let go of that certain object of your affection who doesn't return the favor, you can get back out there and experience mutual love. It all starts by recognizing that you deserve more — and then looking for a partner who is actually equipped to give it to you.