'Why Am I Single?' 9 Common Reasons — and How to Cope If You're Feeling Lonely

Whether you're new to the dating scene or have accumulated your fair share of dating horror stories, we know it's never easy. Despite your best efforts to put yourself out there, you might be wondering, "Why am I single?" 

Sure, there's the fact that swiping right or left can be incredibly dehumanizing, and the dating pool is full of people who aren't ready for a serious commitment. However, the reasons you're still single can also be unconscious, as pointed out by Stephanie Macadaan, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Francisco.

Ahead, experts offer nine reasons you might be unattached — even if you don't want to be.

1. You're Protecting Yourself from Getting Hurt

Suppose you didn't grow up feeling safe and secure with your parents or caregivers or struggled to experience that feeling in previous relationships. In that case, it's natural that you might have developed a fear of intimacy.

In order to protect yourself from a painful experience, feeling trapped in an unhealthy relationship, or a bond leading to a big change in your life, you'll have an "inner saboteur lurking under the surface, putting up blocks," explained Macadaan. 

"The saboteur is creative and can show up in various ways, including insecurity, body image issues, being extremely picky, avoiding dating altogether, continually putting off socializing and dating, or keeping yourself very busy with other things," she added.

To address this, Macadaan recommended writing down all the fears, blocks, and doubts that come up around dating and see what comes up. While you can gain a lot of self-awareness through this exercise, working one-on-one with a therapist is the best way to understand unconscious blocks and gain more control over them, suggested Macadaan.

2. You Might Have Dating Blind Spots

Those fears, blocks, and doubts can also manifest as "patterns, behaviors, or ways of thinking — or dating blind spots — that are holding you back from finding love," suggested Logan Ury, Hinge's Director of Relationship Science and author of How to Not Die Alone. Ury categorized the common blind spots into three different "dating tendencies": the romanticizer, the maximizer, and the hesitator. (You can find out which category you fall under by taking a quiz on her site.)

The romanticizer is the person who loves love and believes they're single because they just haven't met the right person yet. 

"They expect love to be effortless, so when they get into a relationship and hit that inevitable rough spot, they think, 'Oh, this must just not be the person for me,'" noted Ury.

The maximizer is the person constantly looking for someone who might be a bit hotter, a bit more ambitious, never fully embracing the partner they might have right in front of them. 

"They always keep looking instead of committing to someone and building that great relationship," Ury said.

The third type is the hesitator, who has unrealistic expectations for themselves, believing they can't get out there until they've become the person they want to be — until they've lost 10 pounds, or cleaned their apartment or gotten a different job. 

"Dating is a skill, and you only get better by going out and doing it," Ury shared.

By identifying your dating tendency, Ury said that you can gain the self-awareness that helps you reform those relationship-blocking patterns and behaviors in order to move forward.

3. Your Screening Process Could Use a Refresh

The best potential partners can end up looking different from what we expect, suggested Camille Virginia, dating coach and author of the book The Offline Dating Method: 3 Steps to Attract the Perfect Partner in the Real World. Holding too tightly to those expectations can be a roadblock for getting into a healthy, happy relationship.

"The main barrier that I see my single clients hitting when they say they can't find any potential partners is that they are screening potential partners for the wrong criteria," said Virginia. 

For instance, you might mistake hot chemistry for partner compatibility — in other words, being on the same page around big-picture values.

Amie Leadingham, a master certified relationship coach, agreed, calling this "the packaging trap." This happens when you base your connection "on another person's material or superficial qualities" — and as time goes by, "you both discover your core values or beliefs do not align, which can lead to relationship doom," Leadingham noted.

Virginia recommended clarifying the type of person you want to attract to steer clear of this pitfall. Perhaps you decide you want someone who's family-oriented and on the same page with their career. Going into a date with that in mind, you can then see if the person fits that criteria via their words and actions.

4. You Struggle to Hold Space for Someone Else's Feelings and Views

According to Virginia, all humans are innately egocentric – after all, over the course of evolution, focusing on ourselves and our safety kept us alive. However, we have to put that basic instinct aside in order to recognize that other people have had different life experiences from us, and thus have different — equally valid — viewpoints and opinions, Virginia added. Not holding space for someone else's experience and feelings can keep you from connecting with a potential partner.

On the other hand, being open to another person's perspective and being willing to compromise can help you hit it off with someone amazing and grow together. 

"There's actually a joy in admitting we're not always right — it takes the pressure off — and growing with a partner by incorporating their perspectives, which may be different from yours," added Virginia.

5. You Should Diversify the Ponds You're Fishing In

Lee Wilson, a dating coach and founder of My Ex Back, said he usually asks single people looking for love where they're fishing. 

"By that, I mean that if someone isn't going out and being around people, then the odds of them meeting potential romantic partners are small," Wilson said.

This doesn't mean you have to be going out dancing and buying bottles at clubs (is that even a thing again?), but you need to go where the people are. 

"There are lots of other ways to interact socially," noted Wilson. "Sports leagues, self-defense classes, wine tastings, book clubs, church groups, festivals, charity events, and volunteering at animal shelters are some ways I recall people having met romantic or even marriage partners."

You can also ask friends to play matchmaker. 

"If you don't make an effort and take the chance, you won't get what you want," Wilson added.

6. You Could Use a Confidence Boost

If you're feeling like your social skills could use some brushing up, you're not alone, but a lack of confidence can greatly inhibit your ability to connect with someone, suggested Wilson. You might be concerned about your appearance and conversation skills or even self-conscious about eating in front of someone.

Wilson recommended stepping up your social interaction if you feel like you're struggling with any of these insecurities. Even just interacting with friends can serve as a reassurance that you're more on your A-game than you thought.

7. You're Not Practicing What You Preach

Virginia said it's crucial to model and embody the behaviors you want to see in a match. If you want someone who's honest, but you're a habitual fibber, or you're hoping to meet someone who's prompt and reliable, but you're always running late yourself, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment.

She recommended making a list of the top five values or traits you want in a partner and give yourself an honest once-over, asking yourself if you embody these values and traits. If so, how?

8. Your Pacing Is Off

Wilson noted that when clients have come to him confused as to why relationships haven't worked out or have been short-lived, he might learn that the person told a partner they loved them after only a week or two or made another move that felt too serious too soon, like expecting to see them every day. These behaviors can seem artificial or scare a person whose feelings are still developing.

He recommended taking your time and focus on getting to know someone. 

"Avoid jumping into the relationship and allow things to naturally develop," Wilson said, suggesting that it's better to err on the side of "a bit slow" versus too fast. Ultimately, you want to make sure you aren't outpacing the other person and that initiation of interaction is somewhat balanced.

9. You Don't Actually Want a Relationship Yet

After experiencing loneliness and singlehood for a long stretch of time, it's completely normal to want to put yourself out there and start dating again. However, Virginia said it's worth doing a self-check to understand if you're actually perfectly happy being single. It could very well be the case that you're feeling pressured by family, society, or your biological clock.

"Be honest with yourself," said Virginia. 

You can do this by asking yourself what the top 10 disadvantages of getting into an amazing relationship might be. From there, you should be able to gain quite a bit of clarity around why you're actually single — and whether or not you genuinely want to stay that way.